Becoming Me

There comes a time when you realize that life is hard. like really hard. It might happen when you're married and things start to get rocky, when you're in college and you have no idea how to make friends/budget/hold your alcohol/adult/talk to boys/cook/whatever, when you're done with college and have zero direction, or maybe when you get your heart broken for the first.. second.. third time. 

No matter what, you'll find at least one - if not several - times when you realize that you're helpless, desperate, and scared. What you do in these moments is going to be either you proudest or your most shameful expressions of yourself and what you take away is going to define the quality of individual are and quality of life you have from that experience on. 

I'm heavy in one of those phases of life now and all I can say is that the valleys are deep and harsh realities are many. I've already felt, said, and done things that I'm certainly not proud of and witnessing myself in these moments, not for the first time, makes me see when my naive self tested - in some cases broke - relationships in the past. 

There are several things I'm using to gain from this experience rather than let it conquer me: journaling helps me make my thoughts and revelations real and tangible, reaching out to real friends who care and listen, going to church and hearing the sermon, being mindful about my thoughts, being mindful of unrealistic expectations, and reading helpful books. 

I'm reading one self-help book, You are a Badass, one romance novel, Roman Crazy, and the bible. I figure these three cover my bases for now. The Badass book is incredible; I read her advice and casual speculations and it's like she was in my mind hearing those thoughts and decided to write them in her book to show me the fallacies and how to banish them and be me, fiercely and joyfully. I'm only a quarter of the way though but it's already shown me areas and ways to grow.

The romance novel is good because any girl who just watched a "maybe" relationship go to a "nope" needs some kind of passion in her life - even if it is only on paper.

I'm trying to see when people compliment, reach out, help, are care for me and recognize it for what it is. That person thinks positively of me for some reason and chose to do something about it - no matter how big or small their word or action, that matters; and quite honestly, after some of the things I've done recently and in the past, I don't know how anyone is still around because I'm a hateful, angry mess.

Lessons I'm Learning: 

1. God is the only one who has promised to fulfill huge expectations and is the only reliable rock you can count on. [Your family hopefully has been a stable source of real love for you but maybe not, or maybe they have been and you've discounted that love because, well, they're family, they have to. This unconditional love, if you've had it, should not be discounted but might also be tied to areas where you've been ugly inside and difficult to see and feel the comfort and safety this love should lead you to feel].

2. True satisfaction comes from within. It's not someone else's fault when you're at home on Friday and Saturday nights, or when people have other plans or forget to text you back, or when your friends fall in love, get buried at work, leave town, and don't have as much time for you. You need to be comfortable on your own and not take it personally when these things happen; because they will. And just because you were there for them at some point in the past, doesn't mean they will - or have to be - there for you.

3. Don't discount your fortunes. It's so easy to talk yourself out of how fantastic your life is right here and now. We find ways to trick ourselves into thinking things were better or that they will be better rather than living in the now and experiencing how good things are. I read that depression is about worrying about the past (that relationship, job, whatever didn't work out) and anxiety is worrying about the future (will I ever get married? what if I'm stuck in this position forever? what if no one shows up to my party? etc). I have a lot of anxiety and sometimes it gets mixed in with depression when, in reality, things are pretty darn good and I should be living in the present now rather than the past or future. After all, you can't change the past, and there's no sense worrying about the future since it hasn't happened.


All of this to say that yes, life is hard. really hard. But we get to live it and were put here with love, purpose, and intention, so don't be a fuddy-duddy and go be yourself because no one else will or can.