Becoming Me

There comes a time when you realize that life is hard. like really hard. It might happen when you're married and things start to get rocky, when you're in college and you have no idea how to make friends/budget/hold your alcohol/adult/talk to boys/cook/whatever, when you're done with college and have zero direction, or maybe when you get your heart broken for the first.. second.. third time. 

No matter what, you'll find at least one - if not several - times when you realize that you're helpless, desperate, and scared. What you do in these moments is going to be either you proudest or your most shameful expressions of yourself and what you take away is going to define the quality of individual are and quality of life you have from that experience on. 

I'm heavy in one of those phases of life now and all I can say is that the valleys are deep and harsh realities are many. I've already felt, said, and done things that I'm certainly not proud of and witnessing myself in these moments, not for the first time, makes me see when my naive self tested - in some cases broke - relationships in the past. 

There are several things I'm using to gain from this experience rather than let it conquer me: journaling helps me make my thoughts and revelations real and tangible, reaching out to real friends who care and listen, going to church and hearing the sermon, being mindful about my thoughts, being mindful of unrealistic expectations, and reading helpful books. 

I'm reading one self-help book, You are a Badass, one romance novel, Roman Crazy, and the bible. I figure these three cover my bases for now. The Badass book is incredible; I read her advice and casual speculations and it's like she was in my mind hearing those thoughts and decided to write them in her book to show me the fallacies and how to banish them and be me, fiercely and joyfully. I'm only a quarter of the way though but it's already shown me areas and ways to grow.

The romance novel is good because any girl who just watched a "maybe" relationship go to a "nope" needs some kind of passion in her life - even if it is only on paper.

I'm trying to see when people compliment, reach out, help, are care for me and recognize it for what it is. That person thinks positively of me for some reason and chose to do something about it - no matter how big or small their word or action, that matters; and quite honestly, after some of the things I've done recently and in the past, I don't know how anyone is still around because I'm a hateful, angry mess.

Lessons I'm Learning: 

1. God is the only one who has promised to fulfill huge expectations and is the only reliable rock you can count on. [Your family hopefully has been a stable source of real love for you but maybe not, or maybe they have been and you've discounted that love because, well, they're family, they have to. This unconditional love, if you've had it, should not be discounted but might also be tied to areas where you've been ugly inside and difficult to see and feel the comfort and safety this love should lead you to feel].

2. True satisfaction comes from within. It's not someone else's fault when you're at home on Friday and Saturday nights, or when people have other plans or forget to text you back, or when your friends fall in love, get buried at work, leave town, and don't have as much time for you. You need to be comfortable on your own and not take it personally when these things happen; because they will. And just because you were there for them at some point in the past, doesn't mean they will - or have to be - there for you.

3. Don't discount your fortunes. It's so easy to talk yourself out of how fantastic your life is right here and now. We find ways to trick ourselves into thinking things were better or that they will be better rather than living in the now and experiencing how good things are. I read that depression is about worrying about the past (that relationship, job, whatever didn't work out) and anxiety is worrying about the future (will I ever get married? what if I'm stuck in this position forever? what if no one shows up to my party? etc). I have a lot of anxiety and sometimes it gets mixed in with depression when, in reality, things are pretty darn good and I should be living in the present now rather than the past or future. After all, you can't change the past, and there's no sense worrying about the future since it hasn't happened.


All of this to say that yes, life is hard. really hard. But we get to live it and were put here with love, purpose, and intention, so don't be a fuddy-duddy and go be yourself because no one else will or can. 

Time to Make Lemonade

It's amazing how many times in life we find ourselves starting over. We get a impulse and run with some supposed wildly successful idea - 'of course this bathroom remodel will work out' - and then somewhere in this plans enactment we see it: certain failure. This happens so, SO often in life. It can be something as small as trying out a new hairstyle you saw on pinterest or huge like opening your own business or moving to a new city. I can't say that I am completely comfortable with this roller coaster of success and failure that the ride of life involves, but I do know that those who step out and take these risks are living a much richer life. 

I feel like the unpredictability of life has a lot in common with what you experience in the kitchen. There are things you're familiar with - cinnamon, chocolate chip cookies, scrambled eggs, baked potatoes; and then there are things that make you uncomfortable - tofu? fois gras? flambe? rack of lamb? Depending on your background, what makes you comfortable and what makes your heart rate skyrocket will be different but it's continual pursuit of pushing the limits, despite possible/past failure, that makes you an incredible chef. That word, "chef," carry's so much more than "cook." When you say "chef" it lets the world know that in the face of judgement, failure, uncertainty, this person is quite literally blinded in his, or her, passion for food and stretching the definition of what it encompasses will forever provoke them to try again and again. 

There are many lessons to learn in the kitchen, far beyond the baking formula, proper meat cooking temperatures, and chicken deconstruction that will enrich your life above and beyond your wildest expectations.

This lesson of trying again and starting over is one I'm learning now. I can't say I've enjoyed every moment, or that it's going all that well, but I am certain that I will come out a better person in the end. I know these are far from the last do-over's I'll find myself embarking on, but in the end it makes my life so much more real and earned.

Plus, I'll have some great stories to tell when I'm old and gray.

Pudding Cookies - Good to be Home

So I've been back home in Alaska for about two weeks now after 3 years in Minnesota, and my heart is slowly easing back into it's rightful place; it feels good.

I tried so hard to make the Midwest feel like home and somehow it just never fit and I feel such a relief after accepting that it's just not my cup of tea. Since returning home I am reminded how wonderful it is to be a wanderer, to adventure, to not have all the questions answered.

I'm slowly coming around to the idea of going to culinary school in the fall instead of the more responsible, safe pathway of an MBA I was considering and allowing myself to be me and still be figuring it out. It's somewhat comical actually because after being somewhat of a nerd in high school and doing fairly well in college and finally spending two years employed at the Mayo Clinic, I am much more interested in having a significantly less defined, professional career. and in Alaska I have examples, and support in this style of life which is incredibly liberating. Although, when someone asks me what my end goal is or what my physical address is I literally have no concrete answers which never fails to befuddle him or her. 

"So you're just... living all over and working where you can for as long as you want?"

"Yep."

"Oh... that sounds so nice..."

And you know, aside from the occasional panic I feel about not having a plan, it really is quite wonderful.

So yesterday I went on a Forrest Gump kind of walk. You know, the kind of walk where you just head out and then, all of the sudden, it's two hours later and you're realizing that maybe flip flops were not the best choice in footwear. 

It was completely worth it.

I walked and walked and thought I might come up with some answers, but I didn't. All I was left with was knowing that right now I'm in the right place and some very sore feet.

I'm reading a book right now on how important the location and culture of the city you live is so much more important now than it ever was before. It's called Who's Your City? and it talks about the evolution of information sharing, ease of travel, and metropolitan expansion vs rural stagnancy, and how these things influence the culture and lifestyle of different cities. I'm not too far, but as a wondering soul, I am very curious to see what Richard Florida thinks about where I should live. 

Here's what I know my requirements are so far:

• transient demographic - I love being surrounded by people from all kinds of cities who are similar to me in searching for their life's next adventure. It not only makes for more interesting conversation, but it also inspires me to do more of my own adventuring - we only get one life, it might as well be exciting.
• outdoor activities readily available - I need to be outside. I don't need to summit mountains or spend months camping, foraging, or "roughing it," but I do need to be able to go hiking, downhill skiing, and have the occasional bonfire.
• NO TORNADOES - after the Midwest, I am sick and tired of some freak storm whipping though and taking down my entire life's possessions in one fell swoop. How anyone lives anywhere near tornado alley is beyond me and I'm sorry, but the panic and uncertainty that taints what should be an enjoyable spring and summer season with devastation and sorrow is not something I'm signing up for. No, thank you.
• foodie culture - I love food - have I mentioned that? - and I need to be around people who enjoy it the way I do. 
• family - having family nearby is a huge perk. After all, they are the best and most loyal friends I've got. Plus, travelling for the holiday's is a bitch.

With that said, have you ever tried pudding cookies?

Pudding Cookies

3/4 cup butter, softened

3/4 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup sugar

1 (3.4 oz) package of instant vanilla pudding

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

2 1/4 cups AP Flour

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1 cup chocolate chips, adjust to your taste

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. In a bowl of stand mixer, or large mixing bowl, cream together butter and sugars. Add in pudding mix and stir until well blended. Add in eggs and vanilla.
3. In separate bowl, combine flour, baking soda, and salt and gradually mix in to the wet ingredients - I like to do this part by hand to avoid over mixing.
4. Just before dry ingredients are entirely combined, begin to add in chocolate chips. Stir until flour mixture and chips are fully incorporated.
5. Scoop into 1" balls and place on cookie sheet with a Silpat if you have one, if not, directly onto the cookie sheet is fine. 
6. Bake for 8-10 minutes until edges just begin to brown and let cool for 2 minutes on cookie sheet before placing on cooling rack.

If these don't make you feel at home, then I don't know what will.

Enjoy!

Time for Change

Someone, many years ago, gave me some advice that has resonated with me more consistently than I anticipated. He said to me, "You can't have progress without change." At this point in life I had spent my first year of college in Reno and I knew it wasn't the right place for me. I was thinking of transferring to a new school and trying not to regret the year I felt I'd wasted; he gave me these words to let me know that change was not something to fear, but an adventure to embrace and a sign of moving forward. Since then my life has been filled with change, experience, and occasional regret. I find I can't seem to stay in one city or job for more than three years and usually after the first two I become bored and unsatisfied and again search for something different. 

So here I am, once again in the middle of change, still searching for life purpose. I left my job and rented my house and am moving home, once again, to remember who I am. My mom told me once that there are three important things in life: your career life, your home life, and your love life. When more than one of them isn't going well, life get's really tough. This piece of advice never really provided me with consolation as much as it did awareness. I started noticing how each of these areas of my life were doing and began to understand why I felt so unhappy. It's good to consciously think about how life is in this way because when you see that an area is not going well, it's easier to consider what areas you can change in order to make it better. I started to look at my life and realized that I was in a career I didn't like, in a city I didn't enjoy, and dating someone who didn't make me feel good. No wonder I felt miserable. Side Explanation:  If you're wondering why I would even continue trying in this place when it was so terrible for me and I can explain it with a few words: there was a guy. I took a job and right away met someone I was interested in, but he didn't feel the same way; I started seeing someone else to have a friend to go do things with while still hoping something would change with guy #1. As I waited and nothing changed I became more depressed and anxious and finally accepted that I needed to give up and move on; I needed change.

It turns out that you can't really control your love life. You can end something you have, but you can't necessarily force Mr. Right to appear when and where you think he should. There is an element of making yourself available and being seen which can help, but, ultimately, you can't hurry love. So what can you control? Career and home. I'm in the process of figuring these two out which is essentially self discovery; and I think you you find people you're most compatible with when you're doing things that you love in a place you want to be. It's important to be on track with yourself in order to have the most fulfilling relationships, I think this is a big part of what I was missing the last few years.

So in this process of self discovery, what do I know?

I know that I love food and am somewhat of a snob about it. I have come to terms with this fact and fully embrace the reality that I do not like fast food (In & Out and Chipotle do not fall into this category), cheap beer is solely meant for rodeos, other sporting events and along with take-out Chinese food, and I would rather go hungry than eat something that involved little to no effort or is served at a buffet more involved than just salad. 

I know that I need people, interesting people, in my life everyday. I want to interact with individuals who have traveled and seek adventure. I need to be challenged to explore and discover new opportunities and ways of thinking. I want to know what is out there that I haven't yet experienced and find out how to see it for myself. I enjoy a transient culture far better than one that is consistent and predictable. 

I know that I want to fall in love and have kids someday. I want to meet someone who I am uncontrollable in love with who makes me nervous and challenges me, yet doesn't push me away but strives to continually evoke my curiosity and interest. Someone I can laugh with.

I know that being active and fit is important to me and that I want someone who encourages and enjoys this part of life as much as I do.

So there you have it, my life lessons and what I know so far. I'm sure there is more to learn from what's behind and more to gain from what's ahead. Here's to looking forward.